


i feel it too much

by mrsonmyr



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Call Down the Hawk Spoilers, M/M, Minor Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, Panic Attacks, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 21:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsonmyr/pseuds/mrsonmyr
Summary: He reminded Matthew a lot like Adam, maybe this was just what being Ronan’s dream meant, intrigued by the Adam Parrish’s of the world.
Relationships: Matthew Lynch/Original Male Character
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	i feel it too much

**Author's Note:**

> let’s go matthew lynch warriors

He told Declan that he was going to go to his soccer practice, but all he wanted to do was get out of the house without having his brothers searching for him. Matthew sat on the edge of the field, cleats still in his gym bag, and watched his teammates kick the ball around and practice plays. He could see a small figure on the opposite end of the field, he was sitting alone but he wasn’t watching the practice. Eventually they made eye contact, Matthew quickly looked away, he didn’t want whoever that was to know that he was being watched. When he looked back up he noticed that the person was still looking at him. Matthew glanced around to see that he was alone and that it  _ must _ be him that this person was staring at. 

The figure stood up abruptly and began to walk directly across the soccer field, not seeming to care or notice that there was a practice going on. A practice that Matthew should be taking part in. Matthew would have walked the long way around the field, but he liked that this person just cut right across without a care in the world. As he began to approach, Matthew noticed that he had soft edges, a delicate face, a small nose, his body hidden in his oversized jacket. He reminded Matthew a lot like Adam, maybe this was just what being Ronan’s dream meant, intrigued by the Adam Parrish’s of the world. 

“I’m in your English class. And History with Professor Kelly.” He said, almost shouting as he walked up to Matthew. 

“Oh.” Matthew breathed. He never noticed. 

“And I saw you on the roof the other day.”

“Were you the one who told on me?” Matthew asked as defensively as he could sound. 

“No. I just watched you for a bit and then got bored.” He scratched at the back of his neck, his short brown hair was overgrown and was starting to tickle, he needed a haircut. “I’m Joey.”

Matthew slowly noticed the outstretched hand and took it to shake. Declan practiced with him how to give a proper handshake. Not too wimpy, strong, firm, two shakes and down. Joey’s hand was soft, cold to the touch and as delicate as his facial features. When Matthew looked back up at him, hands still holding, Joey looked uncomfortable. Like he was finally being known. 

“So what did you do that got you sent here?” Joey asked as he ran his hand down the front of his leg.

“What?” Matthew didn’t get  _ sent _ here, it’s just a school. But maybe he did, what else were his brothers lying to him about?

“No one just comes here. It’s, like,  _ known _ for being the school for  _ troubled _ kids,” Joey’s mouth contorted at the word  _ troubled. _ “Or kids who need extra attention, or kids that are too smart for the normal public schools and their parents want to pay the extra price of having their child supervised eight hours a day. Because normal public schools couldn’t offer that.” He said the last part under his breath. 

“I moved here to live with my brother. I was going to school in Virginia but then,” Matthew paused, “my mom died. My dad died, too. So my brother is looking after me until I turn 18. Well, he’ll still look after me once I’m 18 but then he’s not forced into it by the law.” 

Joey’s eyes widened at all of the information that was spewed onto him. “I’m sorry about your parents. Is your brother cool?”

Is Declan cool? He thought so at one point, before he learned his truth. Declan was a liar. He always lied, but to keep the family safe. He did his best to always help with homework, he took him to Great Falls, they liked to watch movies together. Declan, for the most part was a cool brother. Ronan, definitely was cool. Well, now Matthew wasn’t sure how cool Ronan still is, but he was at one point  _ cool.  _

“Declan is cool.”

“Declan’s your brother?” Matthew nodded. “My parents suck. They think just cause they pay all this money that the teachers will be nice to me, respect me. Yeah right. If there’s one thing I’ve learned: never trust authority.” He pushed his forefinger into Matthew’s shoulder as he said it. “I’ll see you around, Matthew.”

Matthew’s face was in shock after having his shoulder prodded at. 

“Hah,” he heard Joey let out a laugh as he continued to walk away, “maybe I’ll see you on the roof.” Matthew couldn’t help but smile. 

——

“How was soccer?” Declan asked as he heard the townhouse door open. He knew it was Matthew, only him and Ronan had keys and he knew Ronan wasn’t one for just surprise drop in visits. He looked at his watch and noticed that Matthew was home forty-five minutes earlier than a normal practice. 

“Huh? Oh. Um, yeah.” Matthew said as he was kicking off his bright red sneakers. 

“Matthew. Practice?” Declan said again. 

“Soccer was good. I’m tired, might go to bed.” He said to Declan as he popped his head into the lounge, his golden curls falling onto his face.

“It’s only seven. Have you eaten? We could order something.” 

“I’m good.” Matthew called as he started for his room. “Unless you order from Henley’s, then I’d want something!” 

He closed his bedroom door and heard his stomach growl. He hoped to heaven that Declan would order in. 

Matthew sat at his desk, as of late it wasn’t used for homework or projects, but instead used to prop his feet up on and stare out the window. Tonight he reached for his computer, it was Declan’s old laptop before he got a new, fancy one for his internship. This did the job, he could do his homework, write essays, get distracted and photoshop funny pictures for his friends. He opened his Facebook and typed into the search bar  _ Joey.  _ No names that he recognized popped up or any faces that looked familiar. 

He flopped onto his bed and pulled out his cell phone and texted his friend Lucas who he shared his English class with.

_ Hey Lucass, do u know who Joey from ebgkisg is?  _

_ **english :) _

_ Joey kirtzman  _

_ Tyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!  _

No Joey Kirtzman were found on Facebook. He went over to Instagram and searched for what felt like hours and still couldn’t find him. He must be so mysterious that having a social media account would be too revealing.  _ Like Ronan,  _ Matthew thought. Although Ronan didn’t avoid using social media to stay mysterious, he did it to annoy Gansey and Declan. He can ask him tomorrow in English if he used Facebook. His last attempt was typing  _ Joseph Kirtzman  _ into the search bar before Declan called him for dinner. 

“I got you raveloli with the white sauce.” Declan yelled. 

“Thank you! Be right there!” Matthew closed his laptop and grabbed his phone to text his other friends during dinner. 

The smell of Italian food waited through the air as Matthew sat at the table. Most nights Declan would try to cook, they reserved Friday nights for their take out nights. On occasion Matthew would find a recipe online that claims to be  _ easy _ and  _ quick _ but it always ends with the kitchen being a disaster and the food burnt. 

“I was thinking about how we could put our phones away for dinner.” Declan suggested as he pulled out the plastic container from the brown paper delivery bag. 

“You’re always on your phone.”

“That’s for my job.”

“Think of this as my job,” he waved his phone in the air, “my job is being a good friend. Answering texts. Sending memes. They rely on me.” 

Declan stared blankly, not wanting another lecture on memes. “I just wanted to talk.”

Matthew looked up at his older brother and saw his  _ parent face.  _ It was strict enough to know that he wasn’t to be challenged but still had a hint of fear from not entirely knowing if he was doing anything right. Matthew set his phone down. 

“Have you spoken with Ronan?” 

“Nope.” He said as he took a bite of his dinner. 

“We’re both… worried.”

“I wouldn’t be. I’m doing  _ fine.  _ No thanks to you two.” 

“Matthew.” Declan scolded. “You know this isn’t how we would have wanted this to go. If mom and dad we’re here-”

“If mom and dad we’re here I’d still be a dream. If mom was here I could at least ask her what it’s like not to be real.” 

“You’re right. I’m sorry I can’t help you with that. I don’t know what to do, Matthew. This isn’t covered in any parenting articles. Ronan doesn’t know what to do, either.” 

Matthew chewed his food as Declan watched. He gave a few fast chews for some form of dramatic effect. The ping from his phone let him know that one of his many group chats was active. He put his fork down and picked up his phone and began to laugh at one of the memes his friend sent. 

Declan texted Ronan:  _ Dinner could have gone better.  _

——

The next day Matthew arrived at his English class before the bell rang so he could talk to Joey. He waited as the students rolled in and took their seats, no sign of Joey. Once Professor Lang walked in to start the class he slouched into his chair. The only other time Matthew could see him today was during History with Professor Kelly, another class that Joey didn’t attend. It was almost like he knew Matthew was looking for him. After class as the students floated into the hall Matthew recognized the same jacket he saw yesterday on the soccer field. 

“Joey!” He shouts. Joey slowly looked over his shoulder and saw Matthew, over six feet with his signature curly hair waving enthusiastically at him from across the hall. 

“You weren’t in English.” Matthew said as he got closer, the crowd of students zooming in and out. 

“Nah.” Joey shrugged. 

“And you weren’t in History.” 

“You watching my every move?” Joey raised one eyebrow at him. He had to tilt his head back so he could lock eyes with Matthew. 

“No.” Matthews eyes widened at the idea that he might have been stalking Joey. “I was just observant.” Joey nodded. 

The two minute warning bell rang before their next class. Matthew had Spanish next on the opposite side of the school, he was going to be late. It wouldn’t be his first time. 

“You’re not on Facebook?” Joey didn’t know if that was a question or just Matthew being  _ observant  _ again. 

“No, I hate Facebook.” 

“And you’re not on Instagram?” The way Matthew’s eyebrows were knitted together made it seem like not being on Instagram or Facebook was the craziest thing in the world. 

“Not everyone has to be connected online 24/7.” 

“Ha,” Matthew let out an embarrassed laugh. “Do you have a cell phone?”

“Yeah.” 

“Here, put your number in my phone.” He said as he handed Joey his phone with the contact app already opened and his name entered. 

“You know my last name.” Joey said as he scanned Matthews phone. 

“Yeah, I asked Lucas.” Matthew felt the tips of his ears warm. 

“You asked about me.” He said quietly. Their hands brushed as he gave him back his phone. “I’ll see you around, Lynch.” Matthew let out a gleeful laugh. “What?”

“No one ever calls  _ me _ that _ .  _ It’s always my brother Ronan that gets called that. Ha! He will think that is so funny.” 

——

“Matthew keeps getting in trouble at school.” 

“Is he acting out?” Adam asks his boyfriend over the phone. He was reading a lecture for class when Ronan called. They’ve been playing phone tag for the last few days so he thought his homework could wait. 

“No. He’s been leaving class a lot, and Declan said something about him being found on the roof.” 

“What?” Adam sounded shocked. “Is he…” He didn’t want to finish his sentence. 

“Declan has been keeping a close eye on him. He’s been pissed at me ever since he found out. I don’t know what to do. He won’t talk to me, I mean he  _ will,  _ but it’s nothing anything serious.” 

“This is just a lot to take in. For seventeen years he thought he was normal —”

“He is normal.” Ronan cut him off. 

“No, I know that. That’s not what I meant. Just think about it, Ronan. He’s lived his  _ entire  _ life and now he found out one thing that completely alters it. I understand if he wants to take his anger out on something.”

“But being on the school roof?” Ronan questions. 

“Just be there for him. I know he has a lot of friends, but he’ll need family support too. And tell him if he ever wants to talk to me I’m always here.” 

“Parrish, you never fucking answer my calls but the second Matthew needs something.” 

“I don’t know if you recall but you were notoriously terrible at responding to texts and calls.” The warmth in Adam’s voice made Ronan miss him even more than he thought was possible. 

“Tamquam.” Ronan’s voice was soft. 

“Alter idem.” Adam sounded like honey. 

——

_ Hey Joey _

_ It’s Matthew  _

_ Lynch  _

_ :) _

Joey Kirtzman almost regretted giving his number away so quickly.  _ Almost.  _ He was lying on his bed reading on of his comic books that found at a vintage store. Joey Kirtzman wouldn’t be caught reading some mainstream comic book, (even though he  _ did _ like the movies). It made him feel different, well, more different than he already was. A good different. A special different. He knew all the characters and storylines for these comics, he could tell you what happened in issue 17 if you asked. That was a good different in his mind. A bad different was when he looked in the mirror when he took his red jacket off and saw his soft curves, his small frame, his chest. That was a bad different. Joey’s rule was never let anyone get too close, never let them know. He moved here last year from Maryland. His parents decided that he needed to be sent to a proper school, one that would  _ understand  _ him better. Joey didn’t need to be understood, he needed to be left alone. His father didn’t understand him, why did anyone else have to? Fortunately for his father and the work he did for the Government they were able to afford to send Joey to whatever school they wanted, and of course they thought the one smack dab in the middle of DC was the best choice. 

“It’ll be good for you.” His dad told him. “To be around,” he waved his hand around, gesturing a small circle, “kids that are special.” 

DC Preparatory wasn’t a school for special kids. It wasn’t FAME. It was a school that kids with rich parents who didn’t want to hear about their kids days got sent to. It was the  _ perfect _ school for Joey. 

_ Hi Lynch.  _ He texted back. His phone buzzed three seconds later. 

_ Hahahahahahahhahahahahabab  _

_ U can call me Matthew if u want  _

Joey smiled.  _ Okay. Hi Matthew.  _ His phone started to ring. 

“Hello?” He asked even though he knew who was calling. 

“Hey! It’s Matthew. Are you busy tonight?” 

It was a Friday night, of course he wasn’t busy. Joey didn’t do much. He stayed in most of the time, sometimes he’d see a movie by himself if that’s what he wanted. Or he’d bike around if the weather was nice. 

“No. Why?” Joey sat up and put his comic away, marking the page he was last reading. 

“I was going to a party. That my friend was having and wanted to know if you wanted to come.” 

“No thanks.” The line was silent. 

“But it will be fun.” Matthew pleaded. He was glad this was a phone call because he wouldn’t be able to say not to his puppy dog face. 

“Yeah, I’m not into parties. Sorry.” 

“It’s not like a  _ party party.  _ Just a group a friends, hanging out, laughing. Michael said he would order pizza. And I wanted you to go. Because we’re friends now.” 

“Oh, we are? No one told me.” He tried to joke. 

“I take friendship very seriously and now we’re friends. I want to invite you to come with me so we can have a fun time. As friends.” 

Joey stood up and opened his closet door to look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t feel like going out, it wasn’t a good day. But he also didn’t feel like saying  _ no _ to Matthew Lynch. This was his Sophie’s Choice. 

“I don’t have a car.” He told him. 

“Neither do I. Lucas is going to pick me up, we can come get you after!” 

“That’s okay. I don’t think I’ll go. Thanks for the invite.” 

“Wait! Don’t hang up! What if I walked over to yours and then we walked together to the party? And if you want to leave I can walk you home. Or I could even call my brother Declan to come pick us up. He’s not home now but he’ll be back later. Please?” 

Joey Kirtzman wasn’t strong enough to say no to Matthew Lynch. 

——

As he promised, Matthew walked to Joey’s house, well, to the meet up spot that Joey had organized. At the end of the street by the fire hydrant. He didn’t want his father to see any of his friends, not that he’d object to Joey hanging out with a prep school boy who was on the soccer team and stood over six feet and had golden blonde hair and a smile that made him look like a beach boy from California. He just didn’t want to hear the annoying questions from his parents about his new friends. So he told them he was going to a late movie and he’d be back. He saw Matthew waiting exactly where he should be. He was wearing a bright green sweater and blue pants that weren’t jeans and they weren’t trousers but they were definitely too small for him, his ankles were exposed but his dark leg hair must be keeping him warm because he was also sockless. Joey was wearing jeans and his favourite jacket, he nodded at Matthew as he approached. 

“I’m so excited that your decided to come! This will be so fun. Have you played Settlers of Catan?” Matthew asked as they started walking back down the street.

“Um, no.” 

“Neither have I! But Lucas is bringing it! He’s told me all about it. I can’t wait to finally be able to play it.” He smiled down at Joey. 

“So what’s your deal?” Joey asked as he put his hands in his pockets. 

“My deal?” Matthew’s eyebrows knitted together. 

“Yeah, why are you  _ always  _ in a good mood. You’re always happy, you are always talking to kids in class, or in the halls. And everyone always has something nice to say about you. But you’re a new kid, how’d you get everyone to like you? Even the teachers! And you’re failing your math class but Professor Ingram has only good things to say about you.” 

“I’m not always happy.”

“Yes you are.” 

“So that’s a bad thing?” Matthew, for the first time since his fight since Ronan, pushed back. 

“No,” Joey felt deflated. “It’s just annoying.” 

“Sorry I’m annoying.” Matthew shrugged his shoulders. 

Joey kicked a pebble on the pavement and watched it skip down the street. “You’re not annoying. I’m sorry.” 

“Why don’t you have any friends?” Matthew asked. As blunt as the question was it didn’t sound mean coming from Matthew. 

Joey shrugged his shoulders. “I just never felt the need to. I’m happy being alone.” 

“The guys will be happy you’re coming. They always like a new member.”

“You didn’t tell them I was coming?” Joey looked up at Matthew in a panic. 

“Not exactly. Lucas said to bring anyone I want. And I wanted to bring you.” 

“Some of Lucas’ friends don’t like me. I might not stay long.” He told him. Matthew nodded slowly. They arrived at the party in less than twenty minutes of walking. Joey didn’t have long legs like Matthew, he was 5’6” on a good day. 

Michael’s parents were out of town so he decided to throw a party, it wasn’t supposed to be anything crazy but someone invited Chris who brought beer and by the time Matthew and Joey got in the place was a mess. People were shouting, music was blasting, an intense game of beer pong was happening in the back. Everyone looked like Matthew, tall, athletic physiques. Joey didn’t belong and his fight or flight kicked in. He ran up the stairs to find a bathroom to lock himself in leaving a stunned Matthew calling after him. 

He ran past a bedroom and then a hall closet until he found the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, Joey stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red from wanting to cry. He shouldn’t have come, the crowd was too much, the music was too loud, he felt totally exposed. Joey turned the tap on and splashed some water onto his face and went to sit against the cool tiled shower wall. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting when there was a knock at the door. 

“Joey? Are you in there? It’s Lynch.” Joey couldn’t help but smile at that. He got up and unlocked the door and quickly went to sit down against the shower wall. 

Matthew slowly opened the door and saw how small Joey looked sitting on the tiled floor. His jacket sleeves were bunched around his hands and he looked like he was hyperventilating. “Are you okay?”

Joey didn’t say anything. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Matthew. He heard the door close and lock again and then saw Matthew slowly slide down the wall to meet him on the floor. 

Matthew remembered how his parents would comfort him whenever he had a scary dream, he remembers what his brothers did whenever they found him crying over their father's death. He remembers watching Ronan softly stroking the baby animals that roamed their yard. He cupped Joey’s cheek and stroked his thumb over his face. At first Joey was stiff at the touch, unsure of Matthew’s moves, but then he softened and allowed to be comforted. They stayed like that for a few minutes, the noise from the party downstairs was vibrating the walls. 

“Hey!” Someone yelled as they banged on the door, startling both Matthew and Joey. “Shit or get off the pot! I gotta go!”

Joey closed his eyes. The worst thing was for people to see him leaving the bathroom with another boy. Especially Matthew Lynch. They’d never question  _ him  _ about it but Joey would never hear the end of it. 

Matthew, recognizing the look of panic on Joey’s face, stood and yelled through the door, “screw off!” He waited until he heard footsteps leave and then opened the door and quickly left. Joey stood, looked at himself in the mirror and left the bathroom. 

He tried his best to avoid Matthew for the rest of the night, never sitting with a group, always going to the kitchen to get a new drink, circulating through the different rooms to make himself  _ seem _ busy. No one had yet questioned why he was there, but whenever he did see Matthew from across the room he was always laughing with someone. It was nice to know that he at least got to have fun, it was a party for him anyways. Joey could handle an awkward night of socializing if it meant he got to see Matthew was having some fun. 

_ Want 2 go? :)  _

Joey looked up from his phone and saw Matthew looking at him from across the room. He nodded his head and slipped his phone into his pocket and watched Matthew saying his goodbyes. It was like everyone saying goodbye to a puppy, everyone wanted one last pet before he was gone. He met up with Joey by the front door, pulling his bright green sweater back over his head, messing up his curls. He gave a good shake of his head and they fell back into place. 

“Did you have fun?” He asked Joey as he opened the front door and went out into the cold. 

Joey followed him out and quietly shut the door. Once it was closed he felt his shoulders relax, he could finally breathe again. “Fun isn’t exactly what I’d call it.” 

“I won’t invite you to something like this again. Unless you want to go!” Sometimes Matthew’s mouth worked faster than his mind. 

“No, I don’t think I’ll go. But, thank you. I guess it was  _ nice  _ to leave my house.” They continued to walk down the street, turning when they had to to get back to Joey’s neighbourhood. Matthew offered to call Declan to come pick them up but he liked getting to walk out his anxieties. Having Matthew witness and calm him down in the bathroom was more than he could take in one night. 

The boys continued to walk and talk, laugh about the evening, talk about life. Matthew usually felt like this, bubbly and excited, like everyday was Christmas morning. Now thinking about it, maybe he wasn’t  _ meant _ to feel like that, that the only reason he  _ did  _ was because Ronan dreamt him. Taking his life into his own hands he decided that this feeling — warmth and butterflies in his stomach, the way he got chills when Joey said his name or blinked up at him — this was all Matthew’s doing, not Ronan’s. He took in a deep breath and leaned down, his entire body interrupting Joey’s personal space. He had never done this before, and he never thought he would be doing this with a boy. As he pursed his lips Joey’s eyes widened and his head turned and his body leaned away. 

“Woah,” he said shocked and took a step back. 

Matthew immediately felt his stomach drop and his face go red. He took a step away from Joey and clasped his hands together, unsure what to do with this terrible feeling of rejection. 

“I’m just, I —” Joey’s face paled as he ran his small hand through his hair. Matthew couldn’t bring himself to say anything. The two boys looked at each other and then looked away as a car drove by, going way over the speed limit for the quiet street. The second the cars tires stopped squealing Joey took off into the direction of his house, making the effort to not look back at Matthew. 

——

Ronan’s phone rang with a picture of himself and Matthew as the contact photo popped up. He was not slow at answering it ever since he’d fucked up. “Hey, kid. What’s up?”

“How did you know you liked Adam?” 

_ I literally just saw him  _ Ronan thought. “I don’t know. I think I’ve always liked him.” 

“But  _ how _ did you know. That you liked…” he trailed off. 

“Boys?” Ronan tried his best to fill in the blanks. 

“Yeah.” He could sense Matthew nodded on the other end of the phone. 

“That I’ve just always known. I was never interested in girls. You’ll know. And you don’t have to know. Just do whatever feels right. And don’t let Declan tell you what to do either. He’s only ever dated Ashley’s, he doesn’t deserve a say.” He could hear Matthew laugh. “Why bring all this up? What’s going on?” 

“Oh? Um. Tonight I was out. And I might have tried to kiss someone. And I don’t think it went well.”

Ronan was silent over the line. He never thought about his baby brother being  _ romantically involved  _ with someone. He always had to deal with Declan and his girlfriends, Matthew never had that problem. “Don’t take it hard, man. Kissings overrated anyway.” 

“It’s not the kiss that I’m worried about.” Matthew sounded upset. “I just don’t want this person to be mad at me.” 

“They won’t be. It will be fine. Does Declan know?” 

“He picked me up. I was supposed to walk Jo— him home and then Declan would pick me up, but after I tried to kiss him he ran off.” 

“Fuck that guy, if he’s gonna run away from you he’s not worth it.” 

“He’s my friend, Ronan.” Matthew sounded stern. Ronan wasn’t used to Matthew beginning to stand up for himself. As much as he missed the docile, sweet, Matthew — he liked a Matthew that was his own person. Someone with a backbone. He  _ was  _ a Lynch after all. 

“Just don’t let him hurt you.” 

“I’ve been hurt before.” Matthew said as he hung up. 

——

“Hey, Jo.” His dad called out when he heard the front door open. “How was the movie?”

Oh, right. Joey tried to catch his breath before he responded. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror that was hung above the small table in the foyer. He looked like a mess, and he was. The entire night was spent in a panic, and then to top it off Matthew Lynch tried to kiss him. 

“Joey?” His dad said again as he saw his son staring at himself in the mirror. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. The movie was intense. I’m going to bed.” He slid his sneakers off and climbed the stairs to his room before he was asked anymore questions. The light in his parents' room was on, his mom must be up still. He didn’t have it in him to talk to her tonight. Joey trudged to his room and shut the door, pulling his jacket and pants off, he crawled into bed. 

As he laid there he wondered what Matthew was doing. Who he was telling what happened. If he’d ever want to talk to him again, let alone kiss him. Joey rolled over and screamed into his pillow. The  _ one _ time someone wants to kiss him, someone completely genuine, someone who never questions anything about him — he fucks it up. 

——

It had been a quiet few days for Matthew. Declan seemed to be busy with Ronan problems, his soccer team lost their last game and were eliminated from the final tournament, and he’d heard nothing from Joey. Matthew knew conversations worked both ways and he could always call or text him, but he didn’t feel like it. He needed Joey to reach out first, to let him know that he didn’t blow it. Joey had been avoiding his English and History classes so he wouldn’t have to see Matthew. 

As the bell rang for lunch, Matthew gathered his textbook and went towards his locker. The halls were busy and he tried his best to avoid the swarm of people. He heard someone yell his name. 

“Matthew! They have burritos in the caf!” Matthew turned to the voice and gave an enthusiastic thumbs up before he whipped back around and crashed into someone. His textbook fell to the ground and so did the person he hit. Joey. His backpack spilled open and his belongings tumbled out. 

“Oh, shit.” Matthew cursed. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry.” He crouched down to help gather Joey’s things. 

“I’m fine. It’s fine.” He said as he spotted the  _ one _ item he didn’t want exposed. And Matthew reached for it. 

“Really, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.” He said as he picked up his student ID and handed it to Joey. He couldn’t stop himself from reading it.  _ Joanna Kirtzman.  _ Matthew’s head whipped up to look at Joey who already snatched the ID out of Matthew’s hand and shoved the leftover items back in his bag. 

“I —” Matthew said as Joey took off. 

—— 

If there was one place you’d never find Joey it would be the school bathroom. And if there was one place he could hide himself away in it was the school bathroom. He’d never had the experience of having lunch in there or crying after a breakup or partaking in a drug exchange but he’d heard all about it from high school movies. He ran past the bathrooms and decided to take cover in his next favourite hideout and a place he’d never seen Matthew before — the library. He went to the corner and sat against the wall between the History shelf and Poetry shelf. He sat there for what felt like was the rest of the school day, whenever the teacher on library duty cane around to make sure he was doing work he’d flip open to a random page of Rilke’s collections. 

He waited for his heart to stop racing and for the next bell to ring, indicating it was time for fourth period — History class that he had with Matthew. He knew Matthew was going to be attending it because they got to watch a documentary on Lucy, the first human. Matthew stated many times during that lesson how much he was looking forward to the documentary because it was a “true movie”. Joey knew he wouldn’t skip it to look for him so he left his safe haven in the library to cut class and go home. Hell, he deserved it. Technically this was his  _ worst  _ day at school. The boy he liked learned his truth. That deserves getting to go home early and never leave his bed, maybe it also deserves a pint of ice cream. 

——

After sleeping the afternoon away and declining to eat dinner with his family, Joey laid in bed and looked up at his ceiling, mind still reeling from the events of today. 

The view from his bedroom window was never exciting. Sometimes he would see neighbourhood kids play street hockey or basketball, sometimes an expensive car would be parked outside and he’d like to pick which house it was visiting and who it belonged to. Usually it was never  _ too  _ exciting so he’d keep his blinds closed. 

Who would want to see into his room anyways? All they would see is the truth of this sad, lonely boy. His mother must have cleaned his room because when he got in the blinds were open. It was a quiet night, no one was playing on the street, so he decided to keep them open. No one was on the street except for a figure at the end of it, standing near the fire hydrant. Joey stood from his bed and focused on it, he could tell from the streetlights who it was, the reflective blue puffer jacket was a dead giveaway. 

_ I don’t want to talk to u  _ he texted Matthew with hopes that he would leave. 

_ …  _ He could see from the window that Matthew was typing. 

_ Okay  _

_ …  _

_ technically we’re not talking. we’re texting.  _

Joey rolled his eyes at that and shut his blinds. His phone buzzed again. 

_ I dont want 2 be a stalker. But i want to talk.  _

_ …  _

_ I like u  _

Joey couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t bare to respond. He threw his phone onto his bed and tried his best to avoid the buzzing. Joey Kirtzman was never strong enough to say no to Matthew Lynch. 

_ I don’t care about anything that would bug you ok. Like you should know, i barely feel real. I know i’m not real. And that probably doesnt make sense 2 u and that is ok but getting to know u and hang out with u. I like u a lot and we can both be whatever we want to be.  _

_ Its getting cold out will u plz respond or something so i know i’m not going to freeze out here _

Joey could feel his cheeks go red and his eyes water. He opened his blinds again and saw Matthew wave enthusiastically from the fire hydrant.  _ Be right there _ , he texted. He grabbed his jacket and ran down the stairs and walked as fast as he could down the street, the closer he got to Matthew, who was smiling angelically at him, the more momentum he built. Nothing could stop the pounding in his chest, he might as well do what he wants, for once in his life he’s doing what makes  _ him _ happy. He pushed himself up onto his tiptoes and kissed Matthew. And just like  _ that _ all his worries faded away. He was real. Matthew was real. Nothing could change that. 

“Woah.” Matthew said quietly as they broke apart. 

“You like me?” Joey’s eyes glossed over with a mix of fear and excitement. Matthew’s gold curls bounced as he nodded. “You really are cold.” Joey said as he took one of Matthew’s hands in his. 

“Yeah, I told you. I was waiting for a while.” He laughed. “I wanted to talk to you sooner. But Adam said it would be good to give you space.”

“Who’s Adam?” Joey looked up at him, still gently holding onto Matthew’s hand.

“He’s my brothers boyfriend. He’s really smart. He goes to Harvard.” 

“So… your brothers boyfriend said to give the boy  _ you _ like space.” 

“I didn’t want you to freak out if I was calling you all the time.” 

“I didn’t want  _ you  _ to freak out. Because of —” 

“Joey. I’ve learned a lot of stuff about my family and myself in the last few weeks. I don’t think anything else would freak me out more than I already was. And knowing you, it’s made me feel calm.” 

The streetlight above them started to flicker and they both looked up at it. When Joey looked back he noticed that Matthew was watching him. He could feel himself blush. He reached for Joey’s hand and tugged him to move. 

“I never got to walk you home from that party.” Matthew said as he started to lead them down the street. Joey couldn’t help but laugh. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
